Fantasies of a sleep deprived Mother

Things I want after being up all night with the baby:

  • S L E E P
  • a very posh hotel room. For one. Go big or go home, right?
  • failing that, any old bed/flat surface with industrial sized duvet
  • no talking. No questions. No requests. 
  • in fact, everyone should forget they know my name
  • an IV of hot, sugar laden tea
  • a nap
  • sunglasses weather
  • all da mini breakz
  • re-runs of shitty tv, like Gossip Girl
  •  sugar based snacks
  • or just, sugar. Sugar me to up the eyeballs.
  • another nap
  • to be invisible at school drop off
  • a sexy dude to play with my hair until I fall asleep. Obviously, no talking. (I'd totally be up for my husband to do this but he gets bored easily so I think he'll be ok with me outsourcing to Oscar Issac?)
  • to spend recklessly online on shit I neither need nor can afford
  • an excellent hiding place. With snacks
  • my kids to play unattended together for at least 2 hours
  • then make their own dinner
  • drugs
  • sleep
  • questionable sartorial choices
  • something deep fried
  • a butler. A maid. The whole below stairs staff of Downton Abbey
  • bedtime
Excellent illustration from The Mint Gardener


  1. Sleep. An endless supply of coffee - a breve, to start out indulgently, then single origin whatever, brewed however strikes my fancy in the moment - made to order. Pastries. A babysitter. A massage. Junky cooking/home improvement shows to fall asleep to.

    1. Perfect list K. I almost added a massage but knew I'd be too lazy to get undressed.

  2. I've recently started daydreaming about some sort of illness or injury which is serious enough to require about 3 or 4 nights in hospital, but not serious enough that I can't get up to go to the loo, and in the morning someone comes into my room really early and apologise for waking me up, and I tell them that that was the best night's sleep I've had in a year and a half...

    1. I have found my people.

      This reminded me of two things, the time I was jealous of a fellow Mum who told me she had to have Gallstones removed (4 days in hospital, can you imagine?), and the look on the nurses face when my son had his tonsils out and I 'joked' about being jealous of his drug induced sleep.

    2. I remember this exact fantasy. Just a *few* days in hospital, it would have been so nice.

  3. LOLZ. I mean obviously it's NOT FUNNY, but yeah - you made me laugh. I wish for all of those things for you too.

    1. I wrote this earlier in the week when I was genuinely sleep deprived, now it's just self inflicted insomnia and I feel like a fraud.

  4. So I did this. Last weekend. First time in 5 years that I've been alone for more than 24 hours. Booked myself into a hotel room for a night. Slept. I woke up starfish-ed on the bed, rolled over, picked up a book - read a few pages and then put it down and went back to sleep. I sat down for a meal at a restaurant and I stayed sitting down the entire time - no food to cut-up or glasses to refill or cutlery to pick-up off the floor. It was glorious. In the afternoon I caught the train home and spent the next two hours kissing snotty faces and wiping shitty bums and being so happy that I was their mum.

    1. YESSSS. This deeply pleases me. Balance, right?

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